I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
