i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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