ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
