I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
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