Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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