my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
