he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I'm getting married
To pizza
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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