Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
