Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
