Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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