I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
