Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
