Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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