4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
