highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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