I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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