by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
