my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
