if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
