Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
