And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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