life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
