she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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