im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
