i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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