Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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