I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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