i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
