How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
