You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
