We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
