yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Someone came in the potted fern
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
