1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
