I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
even my farts smell like vagina
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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