Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
