the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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