She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
