even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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