he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
