Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
