I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
