I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
