fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
areolas are like halos for boobs.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
