Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
