that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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