You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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