the new term for farting is butt boxing.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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