i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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