we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
