i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
