she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
