I wish my penis had an off switch
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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