Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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