someone owes me an orgasm
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
