nut hugger
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
