I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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