god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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