Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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