I wanna passion pit in your ass
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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