I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
