so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Are my feet made of real feet?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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