He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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